Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
