At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
