I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
