I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
