When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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