Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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