omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
