Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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