I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
