Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
