From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
