she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
