Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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