don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize