I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize