cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
