I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
