Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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