it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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