I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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