I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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