god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
this hospital has no fireball
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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