I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
it's like iHOP with fire
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
