Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
