just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
