This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
