How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize