I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
