Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
