The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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