my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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