Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
