The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
