sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
