I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
