Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
