i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
