Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
