Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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