omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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