Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
