I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Operation Purity has been aborted
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
