just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
