No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
