all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
