He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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