I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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