There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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