my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
