You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
