after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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