Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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