I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
