Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
