when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
