so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
