Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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