I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
they need to just BURY HIM!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
