I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I think my moral compass just broke
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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